Improve your memoirs–fast–using fiction-writing techniques.

My friend, Debra Chaves Norwood, wanted me to share my suggestions about her memoir. So here is my "before" and "after" about "Under the Samán de Guerra," her memoir about  growing up in Venezuela. 

BEFORE: 

I would lean out the window of our Volkswagen and strain to see ahead, excited to feel the wind against my face. It was a cool wind, brought about by the shade of many trees, bearing the smell of cedar, lemon flowers and mangoes. One by one different species of trees start to flank both sides of the carretera, the local definition of an asphalt road considered a state highway. My father quizzed me on the trees and made me single out the soft wood from the hardwood, but it was easy to tell. Only the hardwood trees were tagged with white and blue collars of paint around their trunks, the proud mark that meant: “Thou shall never cut me. I am an important tree!”  These trees were marked as property of the government. But I knew that, however important they looked, they were nonetheless relatively insignificant escorts on the road to the Holy of Holies, the glorious Samán de Guerra. (161 words)

 AFTER:

I strained and leaned out the window of our Volkswagen, excited to see ahead. There was a cool wind from the shade of many trees, bearing cedar, lemon flowers and mangoes. One by one, different species of trees flanked la carretera, the asphalt state highway. My father quizzed me. “Which are the softwood? Which are the hardwood?” It was easy to tell. Only the hardwood had white and blue collars. Those proud paint tags said: “Thou shall never cut me. I am important! I am the property of the Venezuelan government.” But, however important they looked, they were only sentries on the way to the Holy of Holies, the Samán de Guerra. (112 words)

FICTION TECHNIQUES APPLIED:

 1. Dialogue Mode

Debra's father would have quizzed her using dialogue.

2. Action Mode

Action Mode uses strong verbs to show how important events or actions happen: strained, leaned, flank.

3. Viewpoint Writing

Viewpoint Writing technique shows the world through the eyes of the memoirist. Words and phrases which label sensory experiences are deleted: to feel the wind against my face, the smell of, and knew. Debra's present-day opinion, the local definition of,  also also bbbbbbrb   brbreaks the storytelling illusion and is out. Different species of trees stays in because Debra, like her father, knows trees. 

4. Description Mode

Deletions: (1) Qualifiers: nonetheless relatively insignificant, start to, considered. (2) Repetitions which serve no narrative purpose: trees and roads. (3) Unnecessary adjectives: glorious. Strong nouns are great: sentries is better than escorts; Holy of Holies stays in.

The passage is 49 words shorter.

Better?

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